but giving you a good reason for the pronoun reference “it” is hard to do. Made it where? We are in the home stretch, like rounding 3rd base home stretch, of Aaron finishing school (I’m SO PROUD of you, babe!) and me (Roxie) finishing my contract with NDSU. We’ve been in survival mode the past few months in our race towards this monumental occasion. And while it’s wonderful to celebrate accomplishments, achievements, awards, all those good things, I’ve begun to question our heart’s motive behind this highly anticipated day.
Are we celebrating this day because then our lives will be able to start? Or because after that day, our lives will get easier, less busy, more fun, insert-adjective-here? Often times, I know we are.
As I’m up to my eyeballs with potential job applications, writing and re-writing resumes and cover letters, I’ve thought a lot about this not-so-distant day. I’m excited for change. I love change actually. But the more I think about it, the more I lean towards dwelling on “it”. Once I have a new job, things will be better; once next week starts, things will be better; once I finish this project, things will be better; once I grow my hair out, get in shape, pay off student loan debt …things will be better?
Now, I know this to be false, so why do my words and my actions point to something different? Point to the ridiculous idea of “it” being enough, of idealizing this future date/event/thing, thinking everything will be better at that point. Has my heart completely forgotten about the One who controls every breath? Every date? Every decision made? Has my heart replaced the only One who is ever enough with itself?
I want to scream NO! But then I realize how my pride and independence have once again taken what could be good and turned it into filth and lies. My sin overwhelms me most days.
So I’m learning, we’re learning how to place every dream, every thought, every desire captive to Christ and removing ourselves from the equation. We are not always thinking of “it” and completely missing the ways the Lord can use us each day. We are trying not to idealize life once Aaron graduates (trying being the key word!) and trying not to place any weight on the jobs we will be working, the money we will make, the place we will live. Instead we choose to place all our weight on Christ, trusting in His sovereign plan for our family, our lives.
We still celebrate Aaron graduating, FOR SURE! I’m just working on putting things into perspective and living life through the lens of the Gospel. I’ll keep you posted on what that looks like. For now, all I know is it’s a messy life; I fail Aaron, myself, and most importantly, Christ far more often than I would like, and I am the very undeserving recipient of grace offered by the Lord every single day. Amen.