Hi there. It’s been a while. How have you been?
I have desperately wanted to sit down and write on here for several months now – lengthy posts about frustrations at work, how tired I’ve been, how much I’ve had on my plate, and the list could go on for a while. But every time I even thought about sitting down to compose a post, I hesitated. If I would have sat down at those points, each post would have been a collection of words completely out of perspective filled with whining and “woe is me” content. Even as I sat down to start writing this entry, I wanted to title it “Lessons Learned” thinking it would sound so much better or justify my absence because let’s be honest I was off learning many lessons (plural) and was too busy to be on here. I was wrong.
The lesson (singular) I’ve learned over the past few months is actually quite simple (or hard depending on how you look at it): I don’t trust God to rule over all areas of my life. Somehow, even after countless times of being shown the mercy, grace, and authority of God in my life, I still get it in my head I can control my life. It’s easier to trust yourself, right? Perhaps for some (myself included), but that doesn’t mean there’s an ounce of truth in that statement.
The biggest area of my life where this lack of trust has surfaced has been at work. I found myself surrounded with projects thinking, “I’ve got this under control. I can do this myself.” Not once did I give credit where credit was due. I may have some talents as an interior designer, but not a single talent was created because of something I did, a class I took, or because of someone I knew. Not one. But I so quickly wanted to take credit and arrogance surfaced. That was my first problem.
My second problem grew from working with sinful people (again, myself included). Since I thought I could do everything on my own, it became extremely difficult when customers or vendors would yell at me. I took everything very personally, even if I had nothing to do with the situation. This started consuming my life. I thought about work all the time – at work, at home, at night, at church – everywhere. If I would wake up at night, I couldn’t fall back asleep because my mind would be off thinking of a project, worrying about things.
Anxiety started to creep into my life in the midst of all of this. This was a very new emotion. I’ve normally been a very even-keeled and laid back person. I was frustrated, exhausted, and mad because I had let my job take over my life. At the bottom of this deep and dark barrel, I finally let myself really look at my life and all the holes I had created and filled with myself. Hello. That wasn’t working – not even a little bit.
The Lord had been steadily working through the underlying issue of not trusting Him to take care of everything in my life. Not every day is a step forward because well, let’s face it, I’m still sinful. But the Lord has been sifting through all the silt in my life and each day is making me more like Himself. Sometimes that act is simpler or less painful than others but for me it’s mostly humbling, stretching, and downright painful. Killing my sinful nature shouldn’t be easy.
Today I am sleeping better, I actually get to enjoy time with Aaron, friends, and and the Lord without every thought being about work. The more I learn about my sinful nature and the more I learn about the Lord the more ugly flesh is uncovered. But through that death there is grace and life beyond anything I deserve.